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Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006 - 11:16 p.m.

1:14 AM - I am going to Celibate. Anyone buying?
Current mood: nervous
Category: Romance and Relationships

Well Well Well X-mas is here and gone. I had an ok X-mas. Very different tis year. I took off into the mountains where my friend has a cabin in Crestline. So nice. She just had her new Jacuzzi put in on her deck. I was sick(again!) so I couldnt go in oh but when it start to snow it is on! Tequila, Jacuzzi and snow. Everything except the boy to make out with! Which leads me up to the title of my Blog.

My New Year's Resolution this year will be NO SEX (with anyone else). WHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTT? So all of you who read this and want to have sex with me you have till the end of the week to try to get into my pants. Ummmm not that you will have any success.

Why such a drastic measure? Cause, my soul needs to be sex free for awhile. I am just having a harder time convincing my body to join the cause. I am going to rediscover myself. Having meaninless sex has really made me harsh. I used to be such a fucken lady! I mean before I lost my virginity when I was 19 and before I went though all the bullshit of my Baby Daddys and before before...I was so classy. I want to be the girl I once was but at the same time not lose who I am now. The only way I can do this is go back to a way of life that wasn't complicated with sex.

If you read my past blogs you will read how I am looking for someone. Mr. right if you will. So I have been setting out on a path for this and I have been making too many mistakes in this search. Sex being the major factor in these mistakes. Also a very interesting converstation with a guy friend of mine (who I had sex with!) that open my eyes to a lot of things. I need a break from sex. Oh Sex dont get me wrong I still love you I just think we need sometime apart so when I have you again it will be that much better. Love must have part in it. If there is no love, there is no sex

So Jan 1st (actually I haven't had it in almost 2 weeks so I think I already started this resolution) I will no longer have sex with anyone. Can I do it? I dont Know. Does anyone want to wager?

Wait wait wait, what if I meet Mr. Right? What if we fall in love? Then I will be in a bit of a pickle huh? Wait that didn't sound right......None the less NONE THE LESS, he will have to wait. If he is the one he will wait. He will wait. OMG I hope I can too!
[26 Dec 2005 | Monday]

4:52 PM - Mikey
Current mood: nostalgic

I am gonna tell you guys a story.

When I was in kindergarten I used to have a crush on Mikey. I was 5 years old but I knew I had to kiss Mikey. Problem is ever girl had a crush on Mikey. All the girls were always milling around Mikey. One time I remember we were making clay snails to give to our moms for mother's day. I had made the most beautiful blue snail. Mikey, who was sitting next to me on the othe hand had no such luck. His snail still looked like a slug. He looked over at my perfect blue snail and then at his grey slug. I knew I had my chance! I had to seize the moment. I asked him if he needed some help and he said yes. So I proceeded to recreate that grey slug into a lovley orange snail. He wanted orange. He was ever so grateful. He quickly lean over and placed a kiss on my cheek. Oh I could have died. MIKEY KISSED me! I had helped him and he kissed me. I thought he would be mine forever. Then the very next day I saw him kiss Helen when she was helping him with writing out the alphabet. He was good, oh I give him that. He was good. That 5 year old Cassanova.

Ahhhh Men!

[30 Dec 2005 | Friday]

3:09 PM - Stoopid Prom!
Current mood: crushed
Category: Life

I was watching the 80�s movie �Pretty in Pink� last night. I got it as an X-mas gift because it is one of my favorite movies. So that part where Leona (the wild older lady that works with Molly Ringwold in the record store) talks about her friend that didn�t go to the Prom. Her friend has moments where she feels like something is missing and she counts her kids, checks her purse, checks her keys and realizes nothing is missing. Then she figures its cause she didn�t go to her prom. I think that that may have something to it.
See I didn�t go to my prom. I had the dress and all the anticipation of a young girl going to the Prom. Yes, I was excited. I even got asked by a couple of guys. But the closer the Prom came the more I started to realize I wasn�t going to go. Not cause I didn�t want to go but because my mother didn�t want me to go. Back in those days I was scared of my mom. She was very strict. So I resigned myself to the fact that I instead of fighting with my mother to go to the prom, I should just forget about it. Well the prom came and went without me there. I spent the whole night locked in my room crying as my friends celebrated their rite of passage of senior year. So now I think that sometimes I do crazy things because I didn�t go to my prom. Ha-ha
I thought about this a little more cause recently I got a survey through the bulletin about High School. It had some questions about the prom on there and I got all mad. I DID NOT GO TO PROM��..GAWD! Yeah I still get angry. It was such a pretty dress wasted to. I bought it with my own money too damn it! Stupid Prom!

[03 Jan 2006 | Tuesday]

2:32 PM - How long till I am a Born Again Virgin?

SO It has been 19 days and counting. My record of no sex since I lost my virginity) being 29 days. In 11 days I will be breaking my personal best LOL.

OH MAN why do these boys keep calling me??????? It is soo hard to say no! I think I am gonna have to change my number......

[06 Feb 2006 | Monday]

10:34 PM - Talks of Sex or lack of it....
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Romance and Relationships

I had a really interesting message exchange with an unlikely source. I responded to a Friend of a Friend's Sex Survey who revealed some sexual detail about himself. Here is the transcript....

Tex-Mex replied:ewwww jajajjajaja

A Friend of a Friend replied: Come on baby... you know ya liked it... ;)

Tex-Mex replied: Ok I am celibate now......
but if I were still having sex I would have totally enjoyed this little survey......
And ummmmmm yeah that's all

Friend of a Friend replied: Celibate? Intentionally? Life's too short for that!!!

Tex-Mex replied: Yes intentionally. It was becoming a problem for me. Interfering with my mind. Read my blogs it's all there!
Life is too short to be lead astray by the meaninless sexual encounters! Sex is not a toy. I had to learn. It can be fun and nasty , yes, but it must maintain a certain quality.
Quality not quanity. Never have sex with someone who you dont respect! It only show lack of respect for yourself. It is a hard pill to swallow. You give away a piece of yourself everytime you just F.U.C.K. and when you get older you realize you gave away to people who didnt give a F.U.C.K.
So I had to become more by giving it up......
When I do find someone I repsect it will be the most beautiful thing (besides my children and my self-respect) in my life.....

Yeah I was throughly impressed with myself. JAJAJAJAJAJA

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12:43 AM - Catching Up

Wow it has been such a long time since I had DSL at home and now I have it and all I want to do is go to sleep. LOL So I forced myself to stay awake and update my site and blog a bit.

Well you all might want to know how this celibacy thing is going. Well, for the most part I have been very very good. I had 2 setbacks but I am back on track. I dont really want to give you all the detail but let's say I HAVE learned my lesson.

But CHYeah, ya know, it has been a work in progress. The breaking up of who I thought I was and putting myself back together as who I KNOW I am. I really really thought I had my shit pretty tight.....but one can always stand room for improvement and when you start actually looking for ways to improve then DAYUM, you see you weren't really as ok as you thought you were. Does that make any sense???

Well to me it does and essentially it is about me and who I will become. I have seen a whole new world and feel such a sense of empowerment. I actually cant accept mediocricy in my life, especially from a man, anymore. No one ever understood my choices in men much less myself understanding it. I dont feel the need to be with someone now. I have accepted my singlesness. I relish in it. For the 1st time I can actually say I am NOT seeing anyone and feel happy about it.

Recenly I went to a home show party at a dear old friends house. Now mind you I have been friends with this woman since we sere both 15 years old. I saw her go to collage, get married, become a mommy, buy a house and yata yata yata. While she watched me drop out of collage, flit from guy to guy, become a good time girl, get pregnant outta wedlock, live with the baby daddy, leave him, try again baby daddy # 2 and blah blah blah. So needless to say I felt a bit inadequte when I was around this friend and all her cookie cutter friends. Her and all her friends, with the exception of me, had all landed the "Perfect" husband, all got great jobs and all bought houses in Suburbahell. And then there was good ole Lilly. The gypsy. As unstable as they get. Even though I had managed to finish school to a certain point, get outta of 2 bad relationships, raise 2 children ON MY OWN and go after my dream. But yet I had and inferiority complex when among these women. But that was not the case at this party. I actually felt sorry for them. They all had what I want but they ALL seemed to have lost themselves to the Facade of "keeping up with the Joneses" I had done it all wrong (so I am told) yet I felt satisfied. I am happy with my life and where I am going. For once I actually felt at ease. I felt no need to explain my lastest idea or dream. I was just so estatic I still knew how to dream. Better yet I knew how to chase MY dream. That my friends for me is better than any ole Stepford Wives Life. Dont get me wrong. It is great if that is what you want but for me I see so much more, for me, there is more....

[07 Feb 2006 | Tuesday]

11:41 PM - Life is a Comedy for those who think!
Current mood: thankful
Category: Romance and Relationships

And a tragedy for those who feel

As I sit here typing away on my blog, I have to stop and laugh. My neighbor downstairs, well, his 8 month prego lady just left him. So to soothe his wounded heart he has been keeping well hydrated with the "to Kill Ya" that's Tequila for you. So right now he is outside puking out his poor little brains out. Pobresito. He knocked on my door the evening it happend to get some consejos from me. And that is funny cause ummm I am relationship challenged but I told him everything I wanted to tell my damn exes. You should cherish her, protect her, support her dreams blah blah. He stood there shaking his head wondering why she had left him. I know why but he will never understand. So here I am trying to write something insightful and inspiring and all I hear is: BLAAAAAAA jac jac jac BLAAAAAAAAAAAA

So As I am being serenaded by the sounds of digestive disorders of the Casadores kind I cant help but wonder what did he think she would do when he came home every night wasted and she stayed home and waited? Then it take me back to the days I waited for my son's father when he was out on his drug binges and I would wait all night by the living room window in our broken rocking LazyBoy looking out on to the street jumping everytime I thought I heard his car. Tears streaming down my face wondering when he would be home and never once thinking of the fact that I should be crying for myself. Nervous that he would find the girl he was cheating on me with more inticing and capable to make him happy and leaving me. Fearful that when he came home he would be "coming down" and then I would do something to spur his wrath on and then get tossed around a bit.

If I really think about it it is funny now but back when I was feeling it it made me cry. I have no tears for those days anymore. I have broken the chains of "battered woman" and have become the most kick ass I have always wanted to be. When my ex (now Drug-free) comes to pick up our son he kinda looks at me with wonderment. He cant really look at me in the eye. When I speak HE listens. He knows he f-ed up. He knows he lost the most awesome woman who ever loved him and he knows that he is dust under my shoes from the path I am walking for a Better Me. He KNOWS now. Why Cause I know now. It's just good to know.......

So what do I tell this young kid who's lady left him cause she wasn't going to stand for his wanderlust and love for a bit of the drinky drink? I told him go get his lady and treat her right. I know he wont learn from my advise and GOOD FOR HER for getting away from a life of conformity and mediocracy. Good for Her!

That song form Red Hot Chili Peppers "Breaking the Girl" Keep going through my mind......

"I am not a horse. I am not meant to be broken!" -Lilly January 2000 I said to my ex as I walked away from his hell and left him.

When I finally decided that the relationship was really not in my best interest I went back to school, got a decent job and walked away. I wanted him to see me walk away not crawl. So For 3 years I endured so I could finish my studies and leave with a new car, apartment and life. You think I would have learn the 1st time but after being in a hostile enviorment for so long my mind was a little warpped which would lead me into my 2nd relationship but more on that later. Right now I am going to lay down in my big empty bed, by myself. And sleep cause I dont have to stay up all night waiting for my man to come home.........

[16 Feb 2006 | Thursday]

9:44 PM - What do you mean you need to put water and oil in the car?!

My check engine light came on, again. I remember last year I drove like that for 2 mos and hoped the damn thing would just turn off. So finally I asked someone why it did that. DUH!!!! I guess that mean something is wrong with the vehicle. LOL what a dork I am. Hey I am car-challenged this is not the 1st time. Once I had a car that I blew the engine out on cause I never check the water or oil. I thought all you had to put in was gas! Damn these are the things my Dad should have told me! So this weekend I am going to go to the mechanic's and have them check it. It should be easy I live right next door to one. I literally just drive out of my parking lot into thiers.

I have some kind of nasty stomach churning virus. No no tequila, that was Homie downstaris. I've come to realize that what fleas are to dogs, germs are to kids. I get a double whammie casue I got 2 of those germ ridden little muchkins.

I was talking to an ex-lover/friend yesterday and they made me laugh declaring Feb 15th as "Player's Holiday" From now until Thanksgiving no gifts, love, mushy stuff. It's a Player's Holiday, the day that marks the gear up to summer. I just laughed and told that person I was going to blog about that. Happy Player's Holiday!

I was very depressed today. I think maybe I slept to much. I felt very sad and alone as I laid in bed. I called my Mom and she said go take some medicine. Gee thanks. What happen to the good ole days when Mom used to hook it up with the soup. I hope I never do that to my kids.

Well, I guess that is all that is one my mind right now. Thanks for listening.

[25 Feb 2006 | Saturday]

10:24 PM - More Random crap (if you really care to know) about me
Current mood: calm
Category: Quiz/Survey

1. How tall are you barefoot? 5', yep that is it, folks 60 inches

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? I've tried all kinds of drug Heroin not being one. I am scared of that shit

3. Do you own a gun? I used to have a little 22 with a mother-of-pearl inlay on the handle but I got rid of it when I had my 1st kid

4. Rehab? No but I have been told I need to go to Sexaholic Anonymous

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? Parents love me, so no, but I haven't done that in years and don't plan too anytime soon

6. What do you think of hot dogs? They have worms to make them plump when you cookem. So I think worms are great! They mmake hot dogs plump and juicy.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Silver Bells

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water

9. Do you do push-ups as a hobby? I push a fork right up to my mouth!

10. Have you ever done ecstacy? Yes, I had half a heart once

11. Are you vegan? WTF Is that some kinda sick twisted religion? HELL NO, that is insanity

12. Do you like painkillers? Mmmm VICODIN.. No I am not hooked at all

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite/same sex? WTF I need a secret weapon!? No wonder I don't get asked out!

14. Do you own a knife? No I cut things with my teeth, what the hell kinda question is this, of course I own a knife. No if you mean a s a weapon well the answer to that is yes also.

15. Do you have A.D.D.? LOL this is a good one! Yes I do as a matter of fact. I am even looking into getting treatment

16.Date Of Birth ? Nov 3rd 19something

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. Why did I not write what year for my b-day
2. My neighbor have there m-fing tv up way to loud
3. I need to put a pillow under my ass cause this chair is hard

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
1. toilet paper
2. batteries (what?)
3. school uniform for my son

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
Ice tea, White tea, water, milk, green tea

20. What time did you wake up today? 6:30 thanks to my kidsbut I stayed in bed till 9

21. Current hair? Red, straight and finally past my shoulders

22. Current worry? . I have to name one only? Damn I guess the shows I am planning for next month

23. Current hate? My bra, it is digging into my shoulders and I am about ready to take it off

24. Favorite place to be? In bed

25. Least favorite place to be? At work

26. Where would you like to go? To bed

27. Do you own slippers? Yes, someone gave me slippers for x-mas like 5 years ago and I never wear them. They are black with little gold stars and moons on them. I only wear them when I remember I have them

28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Scary, I really don't know. I hope running my own successful PR firm

29. Do you burn or tan? I tan real sweet for a white girl

30. Last thing you ate? BBQ ribs, yummy

31. Would you be a pirate? HELL YEAH. Yo HO HO

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? Last Friday when I got drunk off my ass at Zoe's party and like a pro I waited till everybody was gone before I barfed like 6 times even so gracefully into the toilet. Then I drove home half drunk..

33. What 3 songs do you sing in the shower?
damn I sing a lot of songs but my favorite is that one Jessica Rabbit sings " you had plenty money 1922..Why don't you do right like some other man do, get outta here gimme some money too"

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Nothing at night but I used to think that a little witch on a flying broom and her sidekick ghost would come up the toilet when it was flushing. My mom would have to flush it cause I would run out of the bathroom screaming "the witch!" Don't ask me why I thought that, I was a kid. Kid think of the craziest things

35. What's in your pockets right now? lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh? My daughter when she looked at me agast when I took a bite of my rib. I told her I was eating BBQ (that is what she calls her Barbies lol) and she freaked out thinking I was eating Barbie.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? Rainbow Brite

38. Worst injury you've ever had? My ear drum popped when I got bitchslaped and my tooth was knock out. Other than that I never really had an serious injury

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2

41. Who is your loudest friend? All my friend can get loud and ghetto

42. Who is your most silent friend? Silent Bob.Umm I gotta agree with Wendy Susy

43. Does someone have a crush on you? If you have a crush on me will you PLEASE let me know. But remember I don't have a secret weapon so then maybe that's a negative

45. What is your favorite book? Charlotte's Web, yes I know it is a child's book

46. What is your favorite candy? Godiva hazelnut choclate

47. What song do/ you want played at your wedding? Are you joking..

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Hotel California by The Eagles. I LOVE THAT SONG, Everryone knows this, and if you don't now you know

49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Sleeping

50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? It's alright, I could really do without it. Oh please spare me the lecture of how the whole point is the pain and blah blah. The whole point is to have a bad ass tattoo and I can do with out the damn pain. I would rather have the pain of a bite mmmmmmmmm



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