Thursday, Jun. 01, 2006 - 11:06 p.m.
This is an Update I will post a few at a time. They are all on my Myspace. Yes, I strayed! Can you forgive me I am in love with both!
The last entry was about X-mas but I have to really go as far back as Sept! I will update from the blog titled "Pinche Alacran" way back Sept 05 all the way to "Im going Celibate? Is anybody buying." Are you ready. Well here it goes!
[22 Sep 2005 | Thursday]
11:41 AM - What's Crackin'
Current mood: aggravated
So yeah
Guess who called me with a "Hey what's Crackin'"
I saw the call come in, ignored it, then I saw my line ring, I knew it was him, ignored it, then he call my cell again, I again ingnored it. Then he left a message. So charming and cute his voice was BUT I did not call him back. My pride is wounded. But I am going to have to call him back cause it was business. Damn him!
[16 Nov 2005 | Wednesday]
12:37 PM - I LOVE MAUI!!!! And my Brother is going to be OK!
Current mood: optimistic
I went to Maui last weekend. I fell in love with an island!!! I met a wonderful person there....ME, I feel like I found myself again. I have a whole new outlook on my life. The song my friend posted on my comments by Kenny Chesney was a running theme. It gets hotter when the sun goes down!!! I promise pictures will follow!!! Life has just been a bit crazy so I havent really been able to update and post pics but soon real soon I promise. A family emergency, work and all has been keeping me busy.
My brother almost died this past weekend and I think my mind was fortified from being in Hawaii that I was able to be strong and optimistic and it worked. I was able to hold up and not let my baby brother see me cry. He was worried for me! Can you belive that, He almost died and he didn't want to see me upset! He is on the mend and all your prayers are such a blessing! He is going to be 21 next month and we are going to celebrate for sure!!!!! My little cowboy, Mr Bear I love you honey come home real soon! You are getting better!
[18 Nov 2005 | Friday]
2:15 PM - Look into my soul
Current mood: contemplative
Man it has been so hard to try to get these pics posted. Not that I don�t know how to do it it is just very time consuming and I have NO time! Life, man! So I haven�t really blogged in a long time about really significant things. I used to blog at another site and it would be a major heartpour but then it just got to hectic at work and my living situation changed and I didn�t set up the internet at my house for various reasons but now I really am needing (if you can call it a need) it to be set up. So I have just basically abodon the blog at the other site. But there it was really random and people who didn�t know me personally read to their hearts content about my Vida Loca. But here it seems a bit much to say it all. Oh don�t get me wrong, I am very open but there is somethings better keep to a minimum. So I am gonna be as open as I wanna be at the moment I�m writing. If it gets much then I am gonna mark them private but I am going to start writing more about everything and nothing
Okay that is my disclaimer (LOL right Wendy? I know you love those infamous Lilly disclaimers!) for my blog on this site.
So I am at work and all I have is freak Word to write on save on a floppy then go to my Folk and post it! How annoying is that? But I guess if it must be done well then it shall.
So where do I begin, I guess you might say from the beginning but where exactly is that. I can tell you that I am not the person I was a year ago. 1 year ago I had just left my daughter�s father after calling off a wedding and a relationship. I was really jaded when it came to relationships. So I decided to not be in a relationship but instead pass the time with a certain boyl. I wouldn�t really fall in love, though I thought I fell in love for like a minute but I realize although I care greatly for this person �in love� was not what I was. So my heart was safe. This continued for a great while. While I navigated my heart though the trenches, I had meaningless encounters (don�t think sex cause encounters are not always sexual) with guys that happened to come across my path. Some I have no idea what happened to; others I turned into friends. See Safe, my heart is safe. Security for my healing heart and spirit was what my main concern was. So no one really was allowed in although they must have thought they were. I continued on at this pace, at times it felt overwhlmeing and quite lonely. When I felt lonely I found a pair of arms to keep me warm for a bit. Again don�t instantly think sex here but I must confess sometimes yes. Well most times, hehe. I felt that if I kept it brief and casual that it would really affect me. But it still hurt, more like a punch in the stomach rather than my heart ripped out so I would bounce back really quick. But you can only get punched in the stomach so much then you cant take it no more. You want it to stop. Well since I am the only one that is really capable of stopping this I have. Those boy toys are no longer entertaining. Moreso, at time they are downright bothersome! I am ready to love again. I have said this in an earlier blog but this time I understand why. Before I was shocked at why I must be feeling this way. Now, Now it is clear. I cant really chalk it up to one thing but let me tell you something in the Maui air really brought it all together. Now my heart and my mind are in sync. SO more on this later�..
2:11 PM - My baby girl is 3 today!
That silly little princess was given to me to hold in my arms 3 years ago today!
[19 Nov 2005 | Saturday]
1:15 PM - Love or something like it
You wanna know something? I have loved people. I have been loved. But I can truthfully tell you I have never been in love. How could that be you ask? Well let me see, Looking bback I can say at the time I thought I was in love so does it count? I mean the relationships were cursed from the start and never was I given the love back like I gave. So in love to me mean two peopl giving and taking the same. IN love. Will I ever have that with someone? I am really tired of meeting guys and making them my friends. Am I doomed to room the earth alone? Man I must be hormonal right now casue this is crazy! I am the 1st to say I am not a romantic but my best friend would tell you otherwise. Damn am I really a big ole romantic. I am a woman after all.....
[21 Nov 2005 | Monday]
1:06 PM - It is always fun to try new things
I had a great weekend. I stepped out of the norm and took a chance. And you know what it was a great experience. I can never go back to my former self. I am loving who I am becoming and life feels less like a box.
Also, I snuck into the King Tut exhibit on the last day!I was so tired and was supposed to do laundry Sun morning but instead my best friend and I said he let's go see King Tut!We are Oh so bad, we bribed an employee and she got us in, no waiting! LOL we didn't even pay for parking. Wendy and I charmed the attendant and he let us go through. Ah this birthday month will go down in history! The exhibit was spectacular and so awe inspring! Those Egyptians wanted to live forever and they have......Chills!
I am so happy even when I am sad! Life keeps getting better and better. Weekends like this keep me going when I am blue. Oh but Hawaii you will always be my 1st love!
Oh and by the way I have slept with someone out of my normal Latino catagory. He is JEWISH! Live in Beverly Hills and I met him through a phone call at work. Oh will I ever learn?
[22 Nov 2005 | Tuesday]
12:00 PM - Why Did you have to steal the FIRE????
Current mood: restless
Blog #2
So my best friend tells me that I need to follow the rules. What freaking rules!? How can you put rules on a variable? What works for one does not work for the other. Like one of the rules is: Don�t call him, wait for him to call you. Why? What if I feel like calling? If he doesn�t want to talk to me - send me to voicemail, then. GOD! If I get sent to voicemail more than 2x I get it! I won�t call. Then there are guys who call and call and call and it still doesn�t mean anything. I have had this happen. This guy called me all the time, loved to talk to me. At first it was nice cause wow he is calling! Then he called and called and nothing ever really transpired between us. But then there are times when you call him and he answers and he is glad you called. You talk and then the next time he calls you and vice verse. See easy. So why does there have to be a rule? People are so complex and different and it takes trial and error to find someone who matches you. So if you are not true to yourself and constantly following others �rules� how can you find someone that matches you?
That leads me to a memory�..
My 11th grade Pyshc teacher onces told the class a story. He said that in the beginning of time humans had 2 heads, 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 heart etc�..Then one day the Gods were angered that man had stolen fire so as punishment he split mankind in two and scattered the split halves all over the earth so that we would be destined to search for our other half. And when you found your other half you would know cause it would be a perfect fit. I believe this story is true.
I have come to the realization I may never find someone who matches me.
But I have hope and faith that there is someone for me.
Someone who doesn�t really care if I call him 1st or he calls me 1st.
Someone who doesn�t judge me for sleeping with him right away because he in fact seduced me.
Someone who doesn�t think that I am a slut because I really enjoy myself in bed.
Someone who understands that I am very faithful even though I love to flirt.
Someone who loves the fact that I am talkative.
Someone who understand why I am not talking.
Someone who loves life as much as I do.
Someone who cares enough to ask why I am frowning.
Someone who doesn�t think flowers are a waste of money.
Someone who likes to hold me when I need it and not smother me when don�t want to be held.
Someone who is looking for me as I am looking for him.
Sing to me Bono: And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.....
11:53 AM - Let me just get this outta my system already!
Current mood: pensive
You know what makes me laugh? Well a lot of things make me laugh, I am easily entertained. So perhaps that is not fitting enough.
You know what gets me? Men. Yes, Men are�don�t even know! Since the beginning of whenever Men, Women and the pursuit of whatever has been dissected; sliced; diced; fried; toasted and even burnt and served up as many different books; magazine articles and even songs. You can�t think of one thing that has not been affected with how men and women interact. Yet we still don�t understand. I have read every last one of these damn books. Yes, ever one, I swear. Ok, Ok maybe not every one but it sure feels like it. You can read one thing in one book and then in the other, it contradicts the other book, so even these authors are not even sure. They are based on personal experience or �research� Whatever that means. Can you really research the unsolvable? L O V E. What does it mean to you? S E X what does that mean to you? I know that the English language has come up with just one word for love, even though there are several different loves. But in some languages there are words that describe the different loves. For example Agape mean brotherly love. The kind of love you share with your brother in blood or spirit. Not a romantic love at all. No sex is involved in this type of love. That is the only one I can think of but that is one example. Now there is a word in English that means some form of love but with sex: Lust. But that is not really love is it?
Well, I went a bit off with that one but here again we are talking about Men. I don�t understand men. Just when I think I got it figured out, I don�t.
[23 Nov 2005 | Wednesday]
3:32 PM - Child of the Moon
So in my last blog my brother's girlfriend added further info to the "other Half" story. Thanks Barbs! Well, I think my balance is back cause I am not spending half my time thinking about love. Now I just think of things like "where the hell can I find a good tuna sandwich besides Subway" and things that matter like that. I think I finally got it out of my system casue my best friend came over last night and we talked it over a good bottle of Pinot Grigio and a great peach cigarillo. Nothing like it in the world, smoking and drinking and whooping it up with your best friend. I just get out of sorts when I start getting mushy. It scares me. Come what may! But life is good life is good!
In good news my brother is back from the hostital and is on the mend. Woo Hoo! So I saw him today and he looks really good. Bald but he is good. I am so used to his great hair. Poor baby. He looks good though. Love ya P-bear!
Now I am going to go back to dancing. I will be finding a dance studio to brush up on my booty moves. Then I am going to start performing, again. I will! That is what I want to do. It will help with all this Jelly I got since my daughter was born Jelly is FAT for ya'all who dont know. FAT I need to be a Lilly size once more. Now if I could only find that damn key to my treadmill.......
[25 Nov 2005 | Friday]
1:16 PM - C.S. Lewis is the only drama I want right now
Current mood: satisfied
So Thanksgiving is here and gone. One dinner at my brother's girlfriend's and then one at my cousin's house. The dinner at my broski's Main squeeze's house was nice and mellow. The food was delish but I ran outta there before eating the pie cause I knew if I ate some pie it would be all over. Feeling mellower than usual, I drove to my parent to use thwe computer sans kids cause My girl was with her Dad and my son stayed with my parents at Barbs house. Replaying the event at Barbara's house in my mind. Wow, it's just all so different now. For those of you who dont know I didn't grow up celebrating holidays. So I still feel weird at times but I was gonna not feel guilty. We were watching the football game and the ad for the Movie Narnia came on. My mother exclaimed "oh, I want to see that!" My jaw dropped. Is this the very movie based on books by C.S. Lewis that I was forbad to read growing up! I looked and her and said "OH REALLY...." Then I said " do you realized that is based on a series of books that I was not allowed to read" She kinda scunced down in her seat and gave me this guilty look. I let it go but not without saying "well I'll tell you what. You can take me to go see the movie with you and it's even" I just laughed out loud at the joy of seing able to say that and not let it get to me. Hell, truth be known, I could have read those books years ago and I still haven't. So I'm going to go out and buy myself the set and read them. HaHa maybe I'll get them for Chistmas for her.
So for dinner #2 I had to go pick up my daughter and my aunt. I picked up my daughter at my in-laws or rather ex inlaws. It felt really weird but I walked into that house like I was there the day before. Said and big " hi y'all" Gave them the pictures of my daughter that I had done for her B-day and then left with her. I missed the dreaded sister-in-laws so that was great! Then I as I was backing out of the drive here they pull up like Satan's evil little helpers. I took my sweet as time backing out and peeled off Laughing all the way! OH I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! I dont have to deal with that Drama no more. Drama Free zone here baby! Still high from all the victory euphoria when I arrived at my cousin's I scarfed another dinner and helped my self to a big ole piece of Pie. As I watched all the husband and wives interact I just was thankful for the chance to be happy with myself finally. Oh I miss someone by myside but not the battle it required. I have found myself and for the 1st time did not ache for someone to make me feel accepted with my family. I am single, I am a mom and SO WHAT! My pregnant with her 3rd child cousin walked up to me and she said "oh you are lucky you are single" I smiled and said " yeah but you are sure lucky to have someone love you like your man does" Life is funny like that.
[04 Dec 2005 | Sunday]
2:49 PM - Food Poisoning is never fun
Current mood: happy
So this no internet at home crap sucks!!!!!!!! But in good news, I am training my little butt off for my new promotion. I was in training out of town all last week. Then Friday night when I got home I got food poisioning. ewwww that is the worst. Puking my brains out and dying a slow stomach cramping death. I have no idea what I ate but I think it was the ranch dressing. I am just glad it didnt happen when I was out at training. So I came back to life but I slept all day on Sat and my aunt came over and made me soup. I hadn't eaten all day so I sipped on some of the broth and ate a few soda crakers. I felt so weak. The worst part is I had to go work a gig at the Westchester and I had no idea how I was going to hold up. But I got up around 6pm and showered and was out the door by 8pm. I was feeling kinda alright but my stomach was still rumbling but it maintained. I got through the show and went home. Needless to say I drank no alcohol. I was drinking water only. I fell into bed around 1pm and knocked out. This morning I ate a whole bowl of rice and I feel great!!!!!! But I am definatley going to watch what I will be be eating from now on. It was no joke!
AHHHHHHHHH let's hear it for no stomach cramps!!!
Props to my girls, Wendy and Suzy for helping me out at the show, even though you guys played Hangman all night! LOL Good times Good times!
[05 Dec 2005 | Monday]
2:07 PM - Menagie Trois? How do you say "Hell No" in French?!
Current mood: irritated
I am so fucken sick of guys asking me to do a 3-way! I have been proposition 3x by three different guys just this week, including the Jewish guy and that was by far the most uncomfortable! What in the fuck do these guys think? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. To make matters worse I kinda really thought one of these guys had potential. UHH not anymore!
On another note I went a little crazy and ate a dounut last night. Yeah I had stomach cramps after that. So I am sticking to sipping on broth and nibbling on saltines. A forced diet. Eh that's good! So when asked how did I lose all that weight I'll say "food posioning!" and I always thought that it was a bad thing! LOL Maybe it's all in my head but I hope I stay crazy till I lose about 50lbs! Ok Updated to December 05! Is your head spinning yet?????
